Catch Flights Not Feelings…
 

You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel…not when you don’t have alcohol & drugs to numb you fucking senseless & make you emotionally devoid anyway! Who’d have guessed hey…

Since getting sober I’ve gone from feeling NOTHING at all, to feeling ALL the fucking feels ALL at once! FUUUCCKKKKK! Anxiety, anger, fear, grief, calmness, confusion, sadness, satisfaction, sympathy, empathy, excitement, desire, despair, disgust, delight, determination, hope, happiness, heartache, horror, loneliness, love, paranoia, pleasure. The list is never fucking ending! Bring hormones into the equation when you’ve got a vagina & you’re fucking screwed! Men count yourself lucky & give yourself a pat on the balls…

My recovery is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, being anaesthetized to feelings or being AWAKE. I’ve literally gone from dying of thirst to drowning in an ocean of emotions with no fucking life jacket! As the saying goes, it’s both a blessing & a curse to feel everything so very deeply. No shit Sherlock! These days even when I feel nothing at all I feel it completely! This is both challenging & rewarding at the same time, but also overwhelming & fucking exhausting. I did not sign up for this shit! No wonder I used to fucking drink! Anyone else relate?!

Brooke Swainston